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Episode 116: The One With Two Parts: Part One

Only annotated lines are quoted below, not the entire script

#SpeakerLine
1Written byMarta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly
With Minot Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart
4(ACTION)Ursula Buffay, Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.
5JoeyThere’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
6(ACTION)Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.
7ChandlerIt’s Phoebe! Hi!
8(ACTION)Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.
9UrsulaHi. Okay, will that be all?
10ChandlerWait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?
11UrsulaYeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here.
12JoeyNo, no... how come you are working here?
13UrsulaRight, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
14ChandlerCan we start over?
15UrsulaYeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
16Chandler and JoeyNo, no, no!
Nitpick: In the lines above, Chandler and Joey confuse Ursula for Phoebe. But, in Episode 102: The One With The Sonogram At the End, line(s) 133-136, Phoebe tells Chandler she has a twin sister who's a waitress!
Episode 102, Lines 133-136
133RachelYou're twins?
134PhoebeYeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.
135ChandlerWhat does she do?
136PhoebeShe's a waitress.
 
92ChandlerWENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...
93NinaOh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."
Observation: The "S" in WENUS can mean "systems" (Episode 115: The One With The Stoned Guy, line(s) 36-37) or "statistics" (the lines above). The creators of Friends (via website/DVD commentary/etc) were aware of this inconsistency, but let it stay, since it's not the focus of the joke.
Episode 115, Lines 36-37
36Rachel... the WENUS?
37ChandlerWeekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.
 
96ChandlerIt’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that... she’s really really cute.
97RossIt doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.
Observation: Chandler wants to date Nina (the lines above) for the same reason Rachel wants to hire tag (Episode 704: The One With Rachel's Assistant, line(s) 110-111).
Episode 704, Lines 110-111
110PhoebeCome on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don’t hire an assistant because they’re cute, you hire them because they’re qualified.
111RachelUh-huh. No, I hear what you’re saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
 
179FranThink she got fired at Riff’s?
180JamieNo, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?
Question: In the lines above, what's so funny about swordfish?
 
217Mr.HecklesI can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep.
218RachelYou don’t even have cats.
219Mr.HecklesI could have cats.
Observation: In the lines above, Heckles claims he could have cats, a nice reference back to Episode 107: The One With The Blackout, line(s) 173-182 when he tried to steal Paolo's.
Episode 107, Lines 173-182
173RachelOh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.
174Mr. HecklesEr, yeah, it's mine.
175Phoebe(trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you sure?
176Mr. HecklesYeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.
177PhoebeWait a minute. What's his name?
178Mr. HecklesEhhhh... B-Buttons.
179RachelBob Buttons?
180Mr. HecklesMmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.
181Phoebe(the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!
182Mr. Heckles(as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You owe me a cat.
 
312(ACTION)Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.
313PhoebeAlright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch.
Observation: In the lines above, Phoebe is irked because the Patty Duke show (which features "identical cousins", essentially twins) is playing (below: \"identical cousins\" Cathy and Patty Duke from this episode).
Image below: "identical cousins" Cathy and Patty Duke
 
333(ACTION)Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey’s apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shirts.
Nitpick: In Episode 111: The One With Mrs. Bing, line(s) 142, Joeys says it's ok to kiss friends' sisters, but in Episode 614: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry, line(s) 15, he says he was mad at Chandler for 10 years for doing this. Admittedly, making out is more serious than kissing, and what Chandler actually did was much worse (see Episode 311 for details). There's also a strong implication that Joey also "made out" (and more) with Phoebe's sister in the lines above.
Episode 111, Lines 142-142
142JoeyYou don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
Episode 614, Lines 15-15
15JoeyI can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
 
Original scripts courtesy:
The Complete Friends Script Index (CFSI)
which is maintained by Eric Aasen, originally created by gunieapig (this site is currently down).
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