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Episode 204: The One With Phoebe's Husband

Only annotated lines are quoted below, not the entire script

#SpeakerLine
1Written byAlexa Junge
Transcribed by: Josh Hodge
13[SCENE]Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there.
14JoeyThis is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?
15PhoebeWell, I mean, I'm not married, married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.
16MonicaI can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.
Nitpick: In Episode 904: The One With The Sharks, line(s) 17-21, Episode 904: The One With The Sharks, line(s) 158, and Episode 904: The One With The Sharks, line(s) 187, Phoebe implies she's never been married, lived with a guy or been in a long-term or serious relationship. Actually, she has been married (the lines above), did move in with Gary (Episode 521: The One With The Ball, line(s) 262-270, Episode 521: The One With The Ball, line(s) 313-317), and was serious about David (Episode 711: The One With All The Cheesecakes, line(s) 268-275).
Episode 904, Lines 17-21
17Phoebe I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) what's wrong with me.
18Rossno, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
19Phoebe I wanna get married (grabs a tissue)
20Rossplease don't cry because of me Pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times.
21Phoebe least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross (cries more)
Episode 904, Lines 158-158
158Phoebeyeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits down, knock on the door)
Episode 904, Lines 187-187
187Phoebewell there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and like a little child says.) You kissed me.
Episode 521, Lines 262-270
262GaryPhoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.
263PhoebeThat's so sweet.
264GarySweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy
265PhoebeLiving with you would make me happy.
266GaryPhoebe, you don't have to say that.
267PhoebeNo, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!
268GaryAre you sure?
269PhoebeYes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)
270GaryOh that's great!
Episode 521, Lines 313-317
313[SCENE]Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed.
314GaryI really like waking up with you.
315PhoebeI like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.
316GaryThat would be great!
317PhoebeWe could have breakfast in bed…
Episode 711, Lines 268-275
268DavidYeah, I… Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn’t because y’know, I…have to leave.
269PhoebeYou’re right! You’re right. Don’t say it.
270DavidI-I do though.
271PhoebeI do too. (They kiss.)
272DavidBye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.)
273Phoebe(seeing him) Okay, now’s not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
274JoeyNo! No! No Pheebs, I’m not gonna yell at you. I just y’know, started thinking about you and David and I…remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just… Oh Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay?
275PhoebeNo I’m not okay. The only guy I’ve ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never…I may never see him again. (Crying.)
 
21MonicaPlease, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
22AllHuuh.
23MonicaWell, didn't you?
24PhoebeI might have.
Nitpick: In Episode 907: The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song, line(s) 173-175, meat makes Phoebe ill, but she's eaten meat before: Episode 416: The One With The Fake Party, line(s) 169-176, Episode 104: The One With George Stephanopoulos, line(s) 224-226 (unknowingly), and the lines above. (maybe it's just veal?)
Episode 907, Lines 173-175
173PhoebeOh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...
174MikePhoebe you don't have to eat...
175PhoebeNo, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it up with her fork and holds it in front of her mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to overcome her vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it in her mouth... Clearly not enjoying the meat....) Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it, except Mike. He's making a hmmmm.... face... Then Phoebe swallows it.) Hmmm... (at first she likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in front of her mouth and runs from the table. You hear a door slamming.)
Episode 416, Lines 169-176
169(ACTION)He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.
170ChandlerThere’s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)
171JoeyPhoebe, what-what are you doing?!
172PhoebeI can’t help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.
173JoeyAll right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot?
174PhoebeYeah, totally!
175JoeyAll right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you’re going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!
176[SCENE]Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.
Episode 104, Lines 224-226
224MonicaOkay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?
225PhoebeUh-huh.
226MonicaWell, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!
 
27MonicaWhat have I not told you?
28PhoebeOh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.
Observation: In Episode 813: The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath, line(s) 80-85 Chandler's request for sex on the balcony isn't completely unprecedented, as Monica's had sex on the terrace with Fun Bobby before (the lines above). Of course, she might be more reluctant now that Ross lives across the street.
Episode 813, Lines 80-85
80MonicaBoy, do I have a surprise for you!
81ChandlerSex on the balcony?
82MonicaNo, but someone’s really not going to get over that idea, are they?
83ChandlerWhat is it?
84MonicaI drew you a bath!
85ChandlerHoney, I don’t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?
 
50RossYou were in a porno?
51JoeyAhh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.
Observation: Joey seems to be indecisive about nudity. In Episode 719: The One With Ross and Monica's Cousin, line(s) 17-22, he's worried about full frontal nudity, partly because his grandmother will watch the movie. In the lines above, we find out he was in a porno (but couldn't go through with it). In Episode 106: The One With The Butt, line(s) 138-140, he doesn't seem to have a problem with nudity (though it's admittedly not full frontal), or even his mother seeing him (Episode 106: The One With The Butt, line(s) 231-234).
Episode 719, Lines 17-22
17EstelleThere’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
18JoeyAre you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
19PhoebeWhat’s the matter?
20JoeyThey want me to be totally naked in the movie!
21MonicaWow!
22JoeyI know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!
Episode 106, Lines 138-140
138Joey...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
139Monica(trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
140JoeyC'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Episode 106, Lines 231-234
231JoeyYeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...
232RachelOh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.
233JoeyMy mom will.
234ChandlerSomething so sweet and...disturbing about that.
 
169PhoebeI, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.
Question: What's the "great Academy awards parties" a refrence to? (the lines above)
 
Original scripts courtesy:
The Complete Friends Script Index (CFSI)
which is maintained by Eric Aasen, originally created by gunieapig (this site is currently down).
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