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Episode 814: The One With The Secret Closet

Only annotated lines are quoted below, not the entire script

1Written byBrian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
22(ACTION)Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.
23PhoebeOh my God! You’re getting a massage! You never let me massage you!!
24MonicaPhoebe, I can explain!
25PhoebeYou told me you hate massages!
Nitpick: In Episode E713/L61-62: , line(s) 713, we learn Phoebe has massaged Monica and Ross. In Episode E814/L22-25: , line(s) 814, Phoebe says Monica never lets Phoebe massage her.
Episode 713, Lines 61-62
61PhoebeWell okay, it’s already February and I’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!
62MonicaThat was me and Ross.
70ChandlerHow about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)
71MonicaOh, okay. Here, why don’t you let me do it?
72ChandlerOh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) It’s locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
73MonicaNo reason. I-I keep private things in there.
74ChandlerOh y’know, I’ve been living here a while and I’ve never seen what’s inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Nitpick: In Episode E814/L70-74: , line(s) 814, the contents of the back closet are a big secret, but in Episode E610/L79-83: , line(s) 610, Rachel looks for Xmas presents there. Interestingly, we see her about to check the closet (below: 1013 from Episode I1013/E610/Rachel about to check the closet/: ) and right after she's checked the closet (below: 1014 from Episode I1014/E610/Rachel finishes checking the closet/: ), but never in the closet itself. [This annotation came from another source, and I am in the process of properly crediting it. It is it not something I annotated myself]
Episode 610, Lines 79-83
79[SCENE]Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.
80RachelOkay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
81ChandlerI can save you time ladies, I’m right here.
82PhoebeYeah, Chandler why don’t you take a walk? This doesn’t concern you.
83RachelWe are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Image below: Rachel about to check the closet
Image below: Rachel finishes checking the closet
83PhoebeWhy won’t you let me massage you?
84MonicaWell it’s…I mean I’d just—I’d be self-conscious. You’re my friend; I’d be naked.
85PhoebeMonica! We lived together for years! I’ve seen you naked!
86MonicaThat’s different, we were roommates! And when?!
87PhoebeI’m curious about the human body.
Observation: I think everyone's seen Monica naked. In Episode E113/L269-271: , line(s) 113, Joey does. In Episode E814/L85-87: , line(s) 814, Phoebe mentions she has. Ross probably has when they were younger, but also specifically in Episode E320/L245-246: , line(s) 320. As her husband, Chandler has many times, but for the first time in London (Episode E716/L244-253: , line(s) 716). It's not clear that Rachel has, though Episode E504/L2-7: , line(s) 504 strongly suggests this.
Episode 113, Lines 269-271
269JoeyClear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
270MonicaJoey!! What the hell were you doing?!
271JoeySorry. Wrong boobies.
Episode 320, Lines 245-246
245RossOh, fire! There, there’s a fire! Fire!!
246[SCENE]He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn’t work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn’t work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.
Episode 716, Lines 244-253
244MonicaWe’re gonna see each other naked.
246MonicaDo you wanna do it at the same time?
247ChandlerCount of three?
251ChandlerMonica and Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
252ChandlerWell I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
253MonicaEh, we weren’t that close anyway!
Episode 504, Lines 2-7
2[SCENE]Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.
3Monica(In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you.
4(ACTION)Rachel enters.
5RachelHi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my God!
6Monica(pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap.
7RachelSince when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy!
88MonicaHey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.
89PhoebeBut I’m a professional! And I’m really good! Look, if you’re uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Observation: Phoebe says it's weird massaging her half-brother (Episode E305/L169-176: , line(s) 305), but not Monica (Episode E814/L83-89: , line(s) 814).
Episode 305, Lines 169-176
169FrankYou-you work at one of those massage parlors?
170PhoebeWell, y'know we don’t call it that, but yeah!
171Frank(starts laughing) Wow! That’s wild! No, I had no idea.
172PhoebeAll righty. I’ll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?
173FrankYou mean like watch?
174PhoebeNo, no, you can get one yourself. It’ll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?
175FrankWell, I don’t think this, y'know.
176PhoebeNo, no, no, I wouldn’t do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I’ll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?
211[SCENE]Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters.
212RachelHey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick!
Observation: Rachel's trick in Episode E814/L211-212: , line(s) 814 is the same as Phoebe's in Episode E501/L215: , line(s) 501 (below: 1001 from Episode I1001/E501/Phoebe's Trick/: ) (maybe Rachel learned it from Phoebe?)
Episode 501, Lines 215-215
215[SCENE]Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.
Image below: Phoebe's Trick
Original scripts courtesy:
The Complete Friends Script Index (CFSI)
which is maintained by Eric Aasen, originally created by gunieapig (this site is currently down).
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