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Episode 504: The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

Only annotated lines are quoted below, not the entire script

#SpeakerLine
1Written byMichael Curtis
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
2[SCENE]Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.
3Monica(In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you.
4(ACTION)Rachel enters.
5RachelHi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my God!
6Monica(pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap.
7RachelSince when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy!
Observation: I think everyone's seen Monica naked. In Episode 113: The One With The Boobies, line(s) 269-271, Joey does. In Episode 814: The One With The Secret Closet, line(s) 85-87, Phoebe mentions she has. Ross probably has when they were younger, but also specifically in Episode 320: The One With The Dollhouse, line(s) 245-246. As her husband, Chandler has many times, but for the first time in London (Episode 716: The One With The Truth About London, line(s) 244-253). It's not clear that Rachel has, though the lines above strongly suggests this.
Episode 113, Lines 269-271
269JoeyClear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
270MonicaJoey!! What the hell were you doing?!
271JoeySorry. Wrong boobies.
Episode 814, Lines 85-87
85PhoebeMonica! We lived together for years! I’ve seen you naked!
86MonicaThat’s different, we were roommates! And when?!
87PhoebeI’m curious about the human body.
Episode 320, Lines 245-246
245RossOh, fire! There, there’s a fire! Fire!!
246[SCENE]He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn’t work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn’t work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.
Episode 716, Lines 244-253
244MonicaWe’re gonna see each other naked.
245ChandlerYep!
246MonicaDo you wanna do it at the same time?
247ChandlerCount of three?
248MonicaOne!
249ChandlerTwo!
250MonicaTwo!
251ChandlerMonica and Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
252ChandlerWell I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
253MonicaEh, we weren’t that close anyway!
 
31PhoebeUgh, PBS!
32MonicaWhat's wrong with PBS?
33PhoebeUgh, what's right with them?
34JoeyWhy don’t you like PBS, Pheebs?
35PhoebeOkay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back.
Nitpick: In the lines above, Phoebe claims to hate PBS and Sesame Street. But, in Episode 220: The One Where Old Yeller Dies, line(s) 299-302, she watches Sesame Street characters with Ben. It's possible that Phoebe didn't want her dislike of PBS to affect Ben, but that's stretching it a bit.
Episode 220, Lines 299-302
299[SceneMonica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.]
300ERNIEOh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.
301PHOEBE[pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]
302ERNIEBert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.
 
36ChandlerWell y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.
37PhoebeAll I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys!
Nitpick: In the lines above, where exactly did PBS send the keychain? Did Phoebe's box have an address?
 
52PhoebeI'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius.
Nitpick: In the lines above, Phoebe's quest is self-defeating. If she does find a selfless good deed, she'll have beaten Joey and feel good about this, so the deed will no longer be selfless (then again, we are talking about Phoebe, so I'm not sure this is really a nitpick).
 
55Emily(on phone from London) Hello, Ross?
Observation: Thanks to Chloe Rogers for this reference: every time we see Emily after the London wedding (eg, the lines above, below: Emily hiding under covers from this episode), her stomach seems hidden because the creators are trying to disguise Helen Baxendale's real life pregnancy (unfortunately, the link that Chloe gave me is no longer working, alas!).
Image below: Emily hiding under covers
 
196[SCENE]Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.
197Joey(in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.
198Phoebe(on phone) Hi Joey.
Nitpick: In the lines above, do the phones at the Telethon have individual numbers? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that everytime Phoebe calls, she happens to get Joey's phone?
 
209[SCENE]Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.
210Chandler(entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.
211MonicaKeep talking.
212ChandlerI mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH…MY…GOD.
Observation: In the lines above makes a nice speech about Monica "made him the best". Actually, this is literally true, as we see in Episode 411: The One With Phoebe's Uterus, line(s) 157-173.
Episode 411, Lines 157-173
157ChandlerLook, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y’know, I know where everything goes, it’s always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody’s killing her in there!"
158MonicaAll right, I’m gonna show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, give me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica starts drawing on it) All right. Now…
159ChandlerLook, you don’t have to draw an actual wo—whoa! She’s hot!
160MonicaNow everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there’s more than three), five, six, and seven!
161Chandler(shocked) There are seven?!
162RachelLet me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.
163Chandler(Points to one) That’s one?
164MonicaIt’s kind of an important one!
165ChandlerOh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down.
166RachelWell, y’know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could’ve meant.)
167Monica(continuing) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
168ChandlerThat-that’s bad?
169RachelWell if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
170ChandlerWell you might if it were anything like 7!
171MonicaAll right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit ‘em all, and you mix ‘em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
172RachelOo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)
173MonicaAll right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)
 
Original scripts courtesy:
The Complete Friends Script Index (CFSI)
which is maintained by Eric Aasen, originally created by gunieapig (this site is currently down).
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